The Urine Sample
by datafiend
Summary: Finally, several months later the final chapter is done of this full episode fan script. Remember, I posted chapters 1 and 2 long before the drug test episode of the Office aired, so this has nothing to do with that episode
1. Chapter 1

Chapters 1 and 2 of this were published on here long before the "drug test" episode aired on TV. I don't want anyone thinking I ripped off the plot idea from an already-aired episode so I thought I'd say that. Several months later, this full fan-episode is finally complete. Please review it if you read it all, even if you don't enjoy it. I have another full length fan-script that should be making its way to fanfiction in the next few weeks.

As usual, I'm just a fan and am making no money off of this. I hope you all enjoy this is my first work of fanfiction. This is an updated version of what I posted on the Office livejournal page.

The Urine Sample

Part 1

typical disclaimer stuff about not owning anything blah blah. Not sure if that is needed or...whatever. Just a fan having some fun.

The Urine Sample

part 1 (updated)

Michael exits his office and stops by reception. It is another typical day at Dunder-Mifflin.

"Pam, Pamela…Pamela Annnnnderson", Michael jokes.

Pam is staring at him with neither a frown nor smile.

"I wish, right?" Michael says with an obnoxious laugh as he glances towards the camera man.

"Down to business. I need these papers distributed and signed by the whole team to okay random drug testing", he continues.

"Uhm, you think someone is on drugs?" Pam replies.

"Corporate breathing down my neck. Some guy in the Albany office crashed his car into the office building last week high on coke and now they want to have random drug testing." Michael makes the motions of snorting cocaine off of the reception desk. Pam looks slightly horrified.

"I've told you about this place in the 80s right? Craaaaaazy partiers. Paper was not the only white thing around in abundance if you know what I'm saying."

"You didn't start here until the early 90's" Pam says.

"Well what do you know, you weren't even here", Michael says with a laugh.

Michael looks at the camera and laughs again.

"Why don't you tell everyone your news yourself?"

"Well isn't that your job Pam?" Michael says with a laugh.

"I'm a receptionist." Pam sighs and takes papers

Jim looks over from his desk and then at the camera.

----------------

Michael is in his office talking one-on-one with the camera.

"I'm kind of like...Jesus...in this office. Not that people worship me, or at least they shouldn't worship me…but I have the ultimate power to both giveth and taketh away."

Michael makes a serious face and leans forward at his desk.

"Corporate has asked me to do random drug testing at least once a quarter. So four times a year I have to drug test someone, picked at random, from either warehouse or up here. I've never needed drugs to be funny or to find things funny. I have a natural drug flowing through my veins and it's called humor."

"Do I think that someone in this office is on drugs? Maybe. You never know these days and you can never be too careful."

----------------

Dwight is sitting at his chair trying to twirl his pencil around his fingers. Twice in a row the pencil flies out of his hand and onto his desk making a clinking noise. The second time this happens Jim, seated at the desk next to Dwight, looks up and stares at Dwight continuing to twirl his pencil with spotty success.

"Having a little trouble Dwight?" Jim asks. As Jim spoke he twirled his pencil around his fingers gracefully before putting it on his desk. Jim has a slightly amused smile on his face.

"I feel I need safety glasses if you keep doing that".

"This pencil, properly sharpened, could kill a man with one stab." Dwight responds.

----------------

Dwight is in the conference room talking one on one with the camera.

"My grandfather left me a book called Get Tough from the Second World War. It shows how to kill enemy soldiers using simple pressure points. It's quite simple really. One second they're alive and WHAM they are dead. Death by Schrute."

----------------

Jim raises his eyebrows and stands up from his desk. He walks over to the reception desk to talk to his favorite Dunder-Mifflin employee, Pam.

"Hey" Jim says, searching for the smile that always seems to light up his otherwise mundane day.

"Hey" Pam responds. She looks very bored.

"Can you do this?" Jim asks as he twirls his pencil around his finger. He hands the pencil to Pam but she fails at it.

"Guess I'm not ready for the professional twirling circuit" Pam giggles.

"You were definitely not a baton or flag geek in High School were you?" Jim asks.

"Oh God no. Art geeks and twirling geeks are nothing alike."

"Well Dwight seems to be very frustrated with the fact that he can't twirl his pencil. He's been trying all morning with very limited success" Jim says with a smile.

"Why does he want to twirl?"

"I have nooooo idea Pam. No idea."

Pam laughs lightly and looks up into Jim's eyes. This is what makes her work day more pleasant than her evenings. She could be discussing the most ridiculous and nonsensical things with Jim and she would lose complete track of time. She wished she could get lost in Roy's words and idiosyncrasies.

"No seriously, you have to learn. Dwight would go ballistic if we both twirl our pencils all day." Jim leans over the desk and tries to teach Pam how to twirl her pencil properly. She is all laughs while he is mocking a serious pencil twirling instructor.

"Pam, I…uhm" Jim stammers as Pam dutifully practices her pencil spin. For a second his face turns somewhat serious like he has something to say. Pam had seen this look before and it made her slightly uncomfortable both then and now. She truly wanted the best for Jim. It hurt her to see him unhappy and after learning about his crush, she worried that she might be the cause of his discontent. Lately he seemed a little more down than usual although he covered it well with his jokes and charming personality. She got the feeling every so often that he wanted to speak his mind but he never did. He always turned it into a smile or a joke at Dwight or Michael's expense.

Michael sidles up to the reception desk as Pam's eyes meet Jim's. Michael interrupts by drumming on the desk with his hands. Pam doesn't break her stare for a moment.

"What?" Pam asks softly still looking at Jim.

"Did you get those papers all signed?" Michael asks.

Jim mouths the words "I'll talk to you later, I gotta make some calls" and diverts his eyes before walking away. Pam looks confused and then looks towards Michael.

----------------

Oscar, Kevin and Angela are looking over a memo they just got from a reluctant Pam.

"Random drug testing? Why would Michael do this?" Oscar asks.

"They want to test our pee." Kevin replies in his signature monotone delivery.

"Kevin, don't be gross. I think it's a great idea. Drug addicts shouldn't be working here." Angela says sternly.

"Well I think it's an invasion of privacy and a denial of trust. If Michael suspects someone he can have them tested, but to randomly test us four times a year is ridiculous." Oscar retorts. Oscar was one of the nicest guys in the office but even he got mildly frustrated with Angela's prissy behavior.

----------------

Pam is leaning against the right side of Jim's desk talking to him. She has a smile across her face that is infecting him as we see the corners of his mouth stretch into a slight smirk. She is gracefully twirling a pencil around her fingers as is Jim. Dwight, trying his hardest to focus on his computer screen, can't help but notice this out of his peripheral vision and is getting visibly agitated.

"You know Dwight, now that random drug testing is going to happen you won't be able to eat your daily poppy-seed bagel." Jim says.

"And why is that?"

"Poppy-seeds can make a false-positive on your drug test for opiates. Even if they let you retake it you would still have a positive for opiates mark on your permanent record. Good luck becoming manager with that."

"There's not enough on a bagel to do that. That's a myth."

"I hope you're sure. That would be a terrible thing to have on your permanent record." Jim saus. Pam is trying to stop from smiling but gives it away with her eyes and a slight movement of her cheeks.

In the conference room, Dwight is alone and talking towards the camera.

"Would I like Michael's job? Sure. I wouldn't want Michael to get fired because it is my duty as assistant manager to make sure that doesn't happen. Would I take it if he left? That's a different story. I basically do his job already. Except…I don't get paid more than anyone else. I should have been eating sesame seed bagels."

----------------

Michael walks over to where Jim and Dwight's desks are. Pam quickly disperses leaving Jim and Dwight with Michael.

"Allllllllrighty then" Michael says in his best Jim Carrey impersonation. He laughs and like a triggered robot, Dwight follows suit.

"Jim Carrey, very nice" Jim says patiently.

----------------

Michael is in the office talking to the camera again.

"Jim Carrey is like the Da Vinci of comedy. It never gets old. I've been doing impressions from The Mask for over ten years and it has yet to get old around here. The Mask was his Mona Lisa one could say."

-----------------

"Michael, can I choose who should be drug tested?" Dwight asks. He feels it is his duty to relieve Michael of this task as his position of assistant manager.

"It has to be random, Dwight."

"I think I should choose" says Dwight.

"No, no you definitely shouldn't" Michael replies.

-----------------

Jim is sitting at his desk typing away. As the camera zooms in we see that he is typing an e-mail to Pam even though she is just a few feet away at her desk. As he notices the approaching camera he minimizes the window and pretends to work. He wants so bad to talk about the events from last week. He had felt so awkward when he realized that his secret was out and not satisfied at the attempted cover-up. Although Pam wasn't showing it in front of him, there was some kind of tension between them that was never there before. Maybe it was just him but he felt like she knew more than he wanted her to know. He just wanted to talk it out, get this weight off his chest.

People are beginning to gather their coats and leave. Jim is staring blankly at his computer desktop, lost in thought. His stare is broken when Pam sits on his desk and places her hand on his.

"Are you okay Jim?" Pam asks. She is truly concerned about him. Surely she could not be the cause of his discontent. She was just…Pam. She didn't have a big enough ego to think that she could be the cause of Jim's problems.

"Yea, I was just…" Jim says, not making eye contact. That wasn't like him. He usually locked into Pam's eyes as he spoke to her. "I was finishing up for the day. Wait until you see what I have tomorrow for Dwight." He finally looked up at her.

Pam smiles and lets out a giggle. She wonders what their relationship would be like if they didn't have Dwight to pick on. It seemed like whenever there was an inescapable silence, it would be broken with some kind of Dwight reference.

Jim taps his fingers on his desk and slowly opens his mouth. He is searching for the right words to say and is hoping that she would say something instead. Just before he os about to break the silence the door to the office opens. Roy is here to get Pam.

"See you tomorrow Jim." She quickly takes her hand off of his and stands up.

"Yea, see ya." Jim lets out a deep breath as she walks away and looks nervously at the camera and then away. He pulls his lips in to make as straight of a face as possible before gathering his things from his desk. He opens the minimized e-mail up and stares at it for a few seconds before clicking send. He hopes that he doesn't regret this. It wasn't a complete confession but just something to get them talking. He really wouldn't feel comfortable until they talked about the booze cruise secret again. He needed to explain himself.

_To be continued…_


	2. Chapter 2

Part 2

Michael is usually the first person to the office in the mornings. Jim realizes this as he is rushing about his room getting dressed. He had pressed the send button last night. He is still pondering it while adjusting his tie in the mirror. So many times he had written her an e-mail and immediately deleted it. Pressing that send button was so hard for him. He has to delete that e-mail before she sees it. They need to talk but this is not the way to do it. He doesn't want to make things tenser than they already are.

He pulls into the parking lot with a sigh of relief as he sees only Michael's Sebring in the lot. He rushes inside and up the stairs. The elevator is just not fast enough.

He breathes a sigh of relief as he enters the office and sees the reception desk empty. It's not too late after all.

Jim navigates to Pam's e-mail client and opens it up. There it is, in a bold font, marked unread and at the top. Subject: "hey". How eloquent he had been last night!

He briefly reads the e-mail again. He had written Pam that he valued their friendship above anything else that was going on in his life. He wrote that he didn't really know how he felt but that the only reason he could even stand to work alongside Michael and Dwight every day was for the few times a day he would see her smile and hear her voice. He had been very careful to not make the e-mail a declaration of love. That would not have been good. He also wrote that he wishes they could spend time together outside of the office, even if it wasn't in a romantic way. He fears that once the wedding takes place that he'll never have a chance to get to know her completely.

Jim takes a deep breath and clicks delete. He has to say these things at some point but not now. It was too soon.

"Hey there, trading places for the day?" Pam walks into the office and catches Jim behind her desk. She is a few minutes early and sporting a brilliant smile that immediately lights up the room. Or at least to Jim's eyes.

"Yea how about it? You can sit next to Dwight all day."

"…and you can interact with Michael all day both in person and on the phone."

"Yeaaaaa…you know what…I think sales is more up my alley." Jim smiles.

Jim walks back to his desk. He wonders when he's going to try and talk to her. He just wants to tell her how important she is to him. If she doesn't infer his feelings from that, then it must be a lost cause.

He hasn't forgotten Dwight. He pulls out two empty plastic jars with strips on the side. Upon closer inspection we see that it is an instant drug-test sample cup usually used by parents to see if their kids are using.

----------------

Jim is in the conference room conversing with the camera.

"Yea, so I bought these drug test cups at the pharmacy…" Jim holds up the sample cups.

"In one of them I put a little bit of codeine I had sitting in my medicine cabinet left over from my knee surgery a few years ago. Just a pinch of a crushed pill."

Jim smiles widely.

"This is going to be good."

----------------

"Are you testing your urine before Michael picks a candidate Dwight?" Jim asks.

"What do you mean?"

"Well even though I don't do drugs, I am definitely going to test my urine and make sure I don't have any false positives."

"Well that's a bit much, isn't it?" Dwight asks.

"Not if you want to advance in this company" Jim says with as serious a face as possible.

"I have an extra test cup if you want it" Jim holds up the empty jar and then places it on Dwight's desk.

"Thank you Jim, I'll be sure to remember this during the next performance reviews."

"Dwight you are not my boss, not my superior and you don't get to review me."

"As assistant regional manager…"

"Assistant to the" Jim replies.

"No, Michael made me assistant regional manager."

"Oh, congratulations. How much was your pay raise?" Jim says with a smug look on his face.

Dwight looks down at the floor. He never got any raise for his promotion.

--------------

Pam is shuffling papers and folders about, trying to look as busy as possible. She had read the e-mail last night from her home computer. At the time she was really confused but now it makes sense to her. Jim is too special to lose, something that is bound to happen eventually once she's hitched. For the first time since she can remember, she has someone in her life that sees her as the intelligent, creative and fun person that she really is. Roy hasn't complimented anything except her body or the occasional and generic "pretty" compliments since they first met.

Pam sits and ponders the e-mail and debates discussing it with Jim. She looks up and there he is, taking a jellybean out of the container.

"I thought you didn't like the yellow ones" Pam says while watching Jim eat his jellybean.

"Well my fingers aren't as small as yours, Beesly. I can't maneuver inside that thing." Jim says with an overly serious face that makes Pam crack a smile.

"Hey, do you want to run out and grab a cup of good coffee with me during lunch?"

She had never before asked him to go out to lunch. He had always wanted to ask her but was always afraid of her making an excuse not to go.

"Yea, definitely", Jim replies. He's a little nervous, unsure of what he should say next.

Breaking the silence is Dwight walking swiftly out of the bathroom, cup of urine in his hand. He passes Ryan on the way to Pam and Jim and Ryan bends his whole body to get as far away from Dwight's urine sample as possible.

"Opiates? I'm testing positive for opiates?" Dwight barks out as he sets the urine sample on the reception desk.

Pam shudders at the sight of the urine on her desk and moves back a few feet, distancing herself from it.

"Get…_that_…out of here!" Pam says, completely grossed out. Dwight complies and picks it back up. Jim is all smiles.

"I told you Dwight. You can't eat those bagels everyday."

"Now what am I going to do? What if I'm chosen as the random candidate?"

"I thought your new position as assistant manager would make you ineligible to be tested. I mean, Michael's not going to be in the random selection is he?" Jim knows how to push Dwight's buttons.

"You're right Jim, I shouldn't be tested. I don't think Michael will agree though."

"Well if anyone can talk him out of this drug test thing, it's you. I mean you are his number one man right?"

"That's right, I am."

"And you're the only one in this office that is directly below Michael right? I mean, Michael is directly on top of you."

"Yes that's true."

Pam smiles at Jim's suggestive phrases. He could play Dwight like a concert instrument.

_To be continued…_


	3. Chapter 3

Part 3

Michael is sitting behind his desk attempting to perform the "rubber pencil" illusion for himself. The door abruptly flies open and in walks Dwight. Michael, startled by the sudden movement, accidentally lets go of the pencil and flips it across the room.

"Michael I need to talk to you about the…" Dwight says very robotically before being interrupted by Michael.

"No, no, not now Dwight. Can this wait?"

"But Michael, my bagels…"

"You know what?" Michael cries. He is frustrated and fed up. "I am too busy to worry about problems with your bagels."

Dwight looks towards the floor before leaving. This was proving to be a bad week for him.

Back at the reception desk, Jim was slacking off work again talking to his favorite receptionist.

"So, are you going to share with me how you pulled that stunt with Dwight?" Pam asked Jim.

"Oh, I have my ways. I have my ways." Jim said with a smirk.

Pam smiled, making Jim's heart skip a beat. She wanted to say something about the email now, she just didn't know how.

"You know, you can confide in me right?" Pam asked Jim.

Jim gets a quizzical look on his face.

"Uhm, yea. It was just a bit of a painkiller I had left over from surgery that I put in the cup..."

"No, I didn't mean that...I meant like..." Pam stuttered. She wasn't talking about the prank in Dwight. Jim looked at her funny.

"Yea?" Jim asked.

"Oh, uhm...I forgot what I was going to say" Pam said with no conviction behind her words.

"Oh okay. I should be getting back to work..." Jim said, breaking eye-contact with her and heading back to his desk. Pam took a deep sigh. She had no idea how she would bring up the email.

Dwight was sitting at his desk, tapping his fingers anxiously against the cheap faux-wood desk surface. He suddenly makes a sudden turn towards Jim and stares at him.

"So, Jim. Why did you not inform me about this poppyseed bagel situation? You know I eat one every morning."

"I thought you were a volunteer sheriff's deputy. Wouldn't you know that as a volunteer officer of the law?" Jim retorted.

"Yes, yes I would know that. I just thought that you would have reminded me about it, one coworker to another coworker." Dwight said.

-----------

Dwight is in the conference room speaking with the camera.

"Yes, I am volunteer sheriff's deputy. I serve the local Scranton community with pride."

He looks down to the ground and then back at the camera.

"If they thought I was on drugs...which I am NOT...I would lose this."

Dwight holds up a volunteer badge made out of plastic.

"This is a sign of power and authority. I have worked too hard to have this taken away by a...by a BAGEL" Dwight exclaims.

--------------

Michael walks up to Pam's desk and smacks his hand down on the counter. Pam jumps up, slightly startled.

"Pam, would you please write down everyone's name...including yours but except for mine...on a piece of paper and put them in a hat?" Michael asks her.

"That's how you're going to pick who gets drug tested? Like a raffle? Aren't there computer programs to do that?" Pam asks.

"I am old school Pam...I may be hip and down with modern technology but at my heart I'm old school. Dig?" Mike says.

"Uhh...okay. Why won't your name be in there?" Pam asks.

"Because Pam, I am the boss. And the only drug I am on is humor."

---------------

Pam is in the conference room speaking to the camera.

"So Michael asked me to write down everyone's name on a piece of paper and put it in a hat. So I did that."

She pulls a piece of paper out of a hat and shows it to the camera.

"Here is one piece of paper...and it has almost everyones name written very small on it. See...Creed, Meredith, Toby, Angela, Oscar, Kevin, Ryan, Jim and myself", she reads off the names.

"And these other twenty slips of paper...they all have Dwight written on them." Pam smiles widely.

"I did exactly what Michael asked right? He never specified how many names on each slip of paper or how many slips of paper I should use. There aren't even twenty people working in here", Pam says with a smile still stuck on her face.

----------------

Jim is sitting in the conference room looking at the camera.

"What can I say...pure genius." Jim says. "I'm so proud of her".

---------------

Pam knocks on Michael's office door and opens it. He is, once again, trying to perform the rubber pencil illusion for himself. He pretends to write with the pencil as soon as Pam walks in but is holding it upside down and is writing with the eraser end.

"The names are ready Michael" Pam says.

"Okay, I'll be out in one minute...just finishing up some work", Michael says.

---------------

Michael stands in the middle of the office with the hat with the papers in hand.

"Everyone, can I have your attention please", Michael asks. "Pam, please hold the hat and I'll draw a name."

Pam complies and holds the hat out for Michael to draw from. He does so and dramatically unfolds the paper.

In his best carnival voice, Michael dramatically says "and the winner is...".

Dwight can be seen nervously tapping his foot and his fingers on the desk.

"Dwight!" Michael says loudly.

-------------

Creed is in the conference room talking to the camera. He wipes his brow.

"Whew...well that was a close-call", Creed says. "I thought for a moment there that I might have to borrow some urine from my nephew."

--------------

Dwight bursts into Michael's office.

"Michael, I need to speak with you."

"Right now, Dwight? Because I kind of have my hands full."

"Yes, right now." Dwight is pacing back and forth in Michael's office. "I can't take the drug test."

"Well, why not?" Michael asks. "Been puffing on the cheeba and not sharing it with me?"

Dwight gives Michael a horrific look. "I have NEVER done drugs in my entire life! I swear to you!"

"Okay, calm down there Cheech." Michael laughs nervously and looks at the camera.

------------

Michael is sitting in his office speaking with the camera.

"Cheech and Chong are like the Abbott and Costello of drugs." Michael smiles. "You certainly don't need to be high to appreciate their comedic talents." Michael pauses, lost in thought.

"Who's on drugs? What's on dope? Wait, no...dope is on...third" Michael says, laughing nervously at his own trainwreck of a joke. "Watch Up in Smoke, you'll see what I mean."

------------

"My poppyseed bagels...they'll think I'm on heroin or...opium" Dwight says to Michael.

"What? That's crazy...Dwight if you aren't doing drugs, which I hope you aren't, you'll have no problems. If you test positive then...I guess you are on drugs", Michael says.

Dwight closes his eyes and sighs.

------------

Back at their desks, Jim and Dwight are both working. Dwight seems a little preoccupied to focus on his work.

"You know Dwight, you can beat the drug test" Jim says.

"I'm listening" Dwight responds.

"Well I could tell you, but how do I know you aren't really on drugs? I could be aiding a criminal. That's illegal" Jim says.

"Well you know I'm not on drugs" Dwight yells. The office is silent and everyone turns to look at him. His voice gets quieter, almost to a whisper. "I'm not on drugs."

"Well, I once read that if you drink two gallons of blue Kool-Aid without the sugar, you can flush your system out" Jim tells Dwight. "But you didn't hear it from me, I'm just talking to myself here about what I've read."

"Understood" Dwight says firmly.

-----------------

Dwight is pulling into the parking lot of the office in his Firebird. He gets out with a plastic grocery bag and walks into the building.

-----------------

At his desk, Dwight is pouring the contents of a packet of kool-aid into a plastic gallon jug of water. He caps it and shakes it to dissolve it all.

Jim trades smiles with Pam.

Dwight begins chugging down the bitter and un-sweetened kool-aid water, so fast that it is dribbling down his chin and all over himself. His coworkers are staring at him but he does not seem to notice.

------------------

Dwight is in his Firebird, driving to the testing center. He is still chugging from the blue liquid while he drives, his lips are blue and it is all over him.

He parks and gets out at the testing lab. He burps and wipes his mouth with his sleeve.

------------------

Back in the office everyone is busily working, or not working. It seems hard to tell the difference. Dwight walks in all disheveled, his shirt un-tucked and his hair messed up.

Michael comes out of his office with a stern look on his face. He addresses Dwight in front of the whole office.

"Dwight...I got a phone call from the testing center." Michael frowns. "You're results came back."

Dwight looks nervous and is pacing again. His lips are still stained blue and so is his tongue, his chin and his white shirt.

"And you are...not on drugs. Thank God because I don't think anyone here could imagine you on drugs" Michael says and looks around the room for a laugh. No one laughs so he nervously laughs himself.

Dwight hugs Michael and begins jumping up and down.

"YES! I passed my drug test! In your FACE" he says as he points his hand close to Pam's face. He runs over to Meredith's desk. "In your FACE!!!! I'm NOT ON DRUGS" Dwight screams as he runs around the office jumping.

Everyone in the office exchanges looks of horror. Jim smiles at Pam. Michael looks at the camera and shrugs his shoulders.

-------------

Pam is in the conference room talking to the camera.

"Jim is...just plain brilliant. He plays Dwight like a concert pianist plays a piano." Pam pauses. "The email? Well, I'm not exactly sure what the deal is. I rather not talk about it..." Pam says as she gets up and leaves.

------------

Jim is in the conference room speaking to the camera.

"Oh Dwight...if it wasn't for him I think I would be entirely too bored around here."


End file.
